joke joke joke

future family
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

HUSBAND: Dear, pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib, approved agad
ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para may dagdag - disability
benefits.
*****************
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng
luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
*****************
What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden
chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
*****************
This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio
Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling
phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a
time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I
will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p
as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as
in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A
as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in
important, and L as in elephant.
*****************
This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried?
poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or
sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time,
what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
*****************
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
*****************
Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
*****************
Anak : Tays! Kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano
ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
*****************
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo " Hilow, hus cooling place?
*****************
A man wanted to buy a bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.
Salesgirl asks: "Is it as big as a papaya? "
Man replies : " No. "
Salesgirl : "An apple?"
Man: " No. "
Salesgirl : " Ahh..an egg? "
Man : " YES , but fried! "
*****************
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh ! Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay
niya?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
*****************
A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So
the White guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good
enough" The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not
creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
*****************
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the
Philippines? In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the
US!
*****************
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
Eh, pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
*****************
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: Lubok na balko! Tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
****************

01.
Host: What "N" is the national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!
ANSWER: N- Nara

02.
Host: Saan "B" binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" .
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern
name nito.
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

ANSWER: B-Bagumbayan, L- Luneta, RP Rizal Park

03.
Host : Saan "B" tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

ANSWER: B- Beach
04.
Host: Anong "L" ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw
aynalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng
ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

ANSWER: L -Lifeguard

05.
Host: Anong "S" ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi
ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

ANSWER: S - Salbabida

06.
Host: What "S" is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sits arong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa!
Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa
letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

ANSWER: S - Sampaguita

07.
Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piye sa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

ANSWER: Eugene Torre

08.
Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,
may initials na N.A.
Contestant:Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!
One more dagdag:

ANSWER: Ninoy Aquino
09.

Host: What "K" is the national animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant : Kutong Lupa!

ANSWER: K- Kalabaw